Maybe two weeks ago my girlfriend and I were joking about the Twilight series of books, which she’s read, and I haven’t. The subject came up because a little while ago I revealed to the internet that I’d read a story where a woman tries to fuck a bear and ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if I started a series where I reviewed books where women attempted to have sex with animals.
“Well, if that’s the case I’d have to start with Twilight,” I said, “The movies, not the books. I don’t have nearly the time or willpower for the books.” And so we had a 13 hour movie marathon. Now, I know a fair bit about the Twilight series despite having never read or experienced them firsthand. Several friends of mine have read the books and through their accounts I managed to piece together a mostly accurate timeline of events. I know that plain jane Bella moves to Washington and shacks up with a vampire and a werewolf, and then two more books happen, and then a werewolf falls in love with a baby (Which, full disclosure, is about 60% of why I decided to do this marathon.) Now that I know the specifics though, well, I kinda wish I didn’t.
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Alright, so I’ve played some more Final Fantasy XV. It’s basically all I’ve been doing (Which is why there was no article last week and this one is late. Herp.) I maintain that it is an excellent game, however the criticisms I talked about still stand. There’s a few other things that I’ve noticed though, now that, statistically speaking, I’m about halfway through the game. (In terms of the main story. I’ve completed a shitload of sidequests and my characters are nearing endgame strength but we’ll get to that.) As always, spoilers for Final Fantasy XV follow after this.
Alright.So, I’ve done this once before in an article for Low Five so it might feel like this comes around more often than I say it does, but I promise that this is just a coincidence. Here now, for only the second time in a year, I say to you all: I was wrong about a thing.
In my last “Scott Talks Wrestling” article (and in the Title Hunt podcast, which you’ll eventually hear) I called Survivor Series, among other things, a clusterfuck, a mess, and a literal dumpster fire, saying that the show was all but guaranteed to be a miserable nightmare. And now that it’s over, I can say without a shred of irony or sarcasm that Survivor Series 2016 was easily the best pay per view of the last six months, and very likely the best pay per view of the year. With only two PPVs left (December’s TLC and Roadblock) I’m fairly confident that Survivor Series will be the tentpole on which 2016 is remembered. So, as long as we’re backpedaling at the speed of sound here, let’s just get right into the specifics of the things that I was wrong about: Warning: This article is slightly NSFW. So, guys, I have a secret to share with all of you: I fucking love terrible erotica. Reading awful erotica is like eating an entire bag of potato chips to me. I love contrived plots, I love bad sex scenes in improbable situations, and a book gets bonus points if the scene itself doesn’t make any biological sense. If the act is either physically impossible or allows for no sexual pleasure whatsoever then I am absolutely joyful when I read it. Astute listeners of the Hit Continue podcast could correctly guess that this is a large reason why I continue to watch ABC’s Quantico. So, there’s this very famous play/movie called Twelve Angry Men. In it, a jury has just finished listening to the cases made by the prosecution and defense presiding over a murder, and they’ve been excused to deliberate on whether the defendant should be declared guilty or innocent. What happens next is something that jurors are not allowed to do:
My girlfriend and I were talking tonight as she marathoned her way through season 2 of Hannibal. I tried to get into Hannibal a couple years ago and I found myself pretty disinterested, so I had no problem listening to her as she was going over some talking points.
“Oh my God,” she said, “There’s literally a character on this show that drinks orphan tears.” “Let me guess,” I replied, “I’m gonna say…congressman?” “Abusive heir to the largest pork producer in America.” “Yeah, that sounds about right.” It took until Hannibal (and to some extent my own watching of ABC’s Quantico) for me to realize the funny thing about TV psychopaths: Like 70% of America’s social elite are horrible, horrible people. If you’ve listened to episode 001 of the Title Hunt podcast you’ll know that Dolph Ziggler is my boy. He’s my guy. I want him to succeed, I want all the belts on him, I want him to be the next Shawn Michaels. I wish him every wonderful thing in the world. This might lead you to believe that Dolph Ziggler is my favorite wrestler.
You would be wrong. My favorite wrestler is Bill Goldberg. Not a lot of people who follow wrestling as close as I do would agree with me. Bill was never the greatest worker, he was a little sloppy and a little dangerous and his mic work was always a little below the average, and certainly below fellow WCW alumni like Chris Jericho, Sting, and others. But when Goldberg returned to the ring on WWE Raw this past Monday he brought up a very interesting point. He said that one of the things that he missed the most about working in wrestling was that he no longer got the opportunity to be a superhero for the kids. He said that there’s “not enough of us” anymore. And you can talk all day about the number of 5-star matches that AJ Styles has put on, or the work rate Dolph Ziggler has, or how Finn Balor started Bullet Club in Japan and they’re the best thing since the nWo. You can talk about Doc Gallows and Karl Anderson and how they’re the most devastating tag team in history. Tell me all about Jay Lethal and his recent Ring of Honor title run. Tell me all about the strange wizardry Zack Sabre Jr. can pull off every time he gets between the ropes. It does not matter. Nobody will ever be better than the person you believed in when you were seven. Hello again! As you might recall, last week I wrote about the state of WWE Raw’s championships. Because that article received such a nice response (and because I said I would) this week we’re going to cover the championship scene on SmackDown Live, fresh off the heels of Sunday’s No Mercy pay-per-view. So, let’s get right into it, shall we?
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Scott Watmough has many strong opinions about many things that he knows very little about. They're usually about video games. Archives
March 2018
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