Aquaman or Aquamonster?

Aquaman crossed $1 billion world wide at the box office a couple weeks ago. I can’t believe this movie topped The Dark Knight. Is Aquaman a good film though? Definitely not. Is it a fun film? Sure. You can have both though, and wish this movie did. Here’s what I liked about the film and what I didn’t like (more fun).

WHAT I LIKED
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First we’ll talk about the quick stuff, what I liked about the film.​

• I liked the look of the film, it was much brighter, and had a cheerier tone than previous DC movies.

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• The combat for the most part was fun. It was impressive to see a trident look like a viable weapon (Jason Mamoa, not great at throwing them in real life). ​

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• I also appreciated that the movie started with a Jules Verne quote from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, and then in the movie when they travel  to the center of the earth it resembles the center of the earth from Journey to the Center of the Earth also by Jules Verne.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE
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Ok now for the fun part, how ridiculous some of the things in this movie are.​​

• The Atlanteans were able to figure out how to operate a Russian submarine they never would have seen before. Not only that, but they are able to do so after the submarine had been partially destroyed by a bomb,filled with water, and sunk. Very convenient to the plot as this was the inciting incident that united the tribes.

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• William Dafoe’s character Nuidis gives Arthur a canister that allegedly has a recording of the last will and testament of the former King, and viewing it will lead them to the MacGuffin trident. (And holy shit, of course it does exactly that). This plan never should’ve worked. In the most tumultuous time for the Atlantean clans, the person by birth right that could challenge the throne and stop the upcoming surface take over just leaves to go on a quest.
  • Arthur and Mera carry Nuidis’s canister around for a large section of the movie. Let’s look at how small the odds are for this plan to work. They travel all the way to the Sahara Desert (all the while wearing the same clothes… gross) with this thing on the off chance they can find something in the desert that can play the recording in the canister. If by chance they are able to find something that can play it in the vastness of that desert, they then have to hope it still works after thousands of years of decay.
  • If that works out for them, they are still hoping that this recording is actually the one that will lead them to the trident, and not just an Atlantean version of some teens making their own Jackass movie (would have been much funnier). Of course, the stars perfectly align though and this all works out for them. But do they go directly to the trident? No, we need to drag out some more screen time, so of course they need to find a convenient statue in Italy that gives them the right coordinates.  Meanwhile, the Atlanteans are aligning and are going to take over the earth. Seems like a great time to leave and put all your eggs in the most unlikely of scenarios basket… (Maybe go tell the President and drop a nuke?) Oh, and it’s the canister that powers the machine that shows them the recording... That would be like needing to put film in your camera in order to power it. Makes no sense.

• The Black Mantis was a ridiculous, and unnecessary bad guy in the film. Just didn’t belong. Never appeared scary or to have the upper hand. Just seemed like another ant trying to play with gods. What’s the deal with his helmet? He tests out the technology on his original mask and melts it. He then says, “going to need a bigger helmet.” Why would that mean that?! Maybe instead you shouldn’t put something over your face that could melt it. How did making the helmet bigger stop the “plastic” around it from continuing to melt? I’m assuming plastic because anything else would be so heavy and the helmet is giant already! And with a helmet that big, how was he not hitting his head on everything and complaining he couldn’t turn his head properly? To top off his ridiculousness, he shouts out his stupid made-up name he gave himself to people he’s about to kill. Why!?! Why put that in the script? It was eluded to enough as to who he is, he didn’t have to yell it out mid fight. So lame.​

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• There were dinosaurs in this film. I know I said I liked the homage to Journey to the Center of the Earth above, but come on dinosaurs?!

• Ok, so now Aquaman, our titular hero, gets weird. We are told through the whole movie that this MacGuffin trident is so important and powerful, it can unite the clans, and only the deserving can get it. NEVER ARE THE POOR DEAD MAN’S CLOTHES MENTIONED!!! Picture this, Aquaman has just passed the trials at the center of the earth, the talking fish monster thinks he’s worthy, and the dead king thinks he’s worthy (somehow) and gives up his trident (with his hands still attached to it, by the way). Right before the scene cuts away we see the king crumple to the ground. Aquaman, again with no precedent set for this needing to happen, picks up a dead man’s clothes off the ground, shakes out the bone debris still clinging to them, gets naked, and puts them on. Lo and behold, they’re a perfect fit. Fuck this movie. Neither his girlfriend, nor his mom thinks to question this. “You look great, hun. Glad that dead man’s tights were a perfect fit”. They really should have questioned his mental state, but of course they don’t. Maybe if they had, they may have been able to save so many lives.

• HE BRINGS THE KRAKEN TO KILL THE PEOPLE HE IS TRYING TO UNITE AND SAVE! WTF?! The story has established that having the trident makes you king of all Atlanteans. Why the hell did he need the talking fish monster to murder all those people? The short answer...He didn’t. It’s getting really hard to get behind this guy as a hero. Can you imagine Wonder Woman going back and slaughtering copious amounts of her fellow Amazonians?

• In the middle of the final battle, Mera swims up to him and basically says, “we need to hurry and stop the fighting.” They then take five minutes to make out. That’s not hurrying, Mera…Not at all. So many more deaths. Think of their families. :(

 

• His mother has time for a costume change before emerging during the final fight between her sons. WHY???? This is so unnecessary. She could have showed up in the tattered clothes we last saw her in and it would of had the same effect on the plot, better even as it would have shown the brutality of their ways, and maybe there are other ways of being.

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• Finally, the queen shows up at the end of the movie to meet Arthur’s father once again. Except she’s wearing the same outfit he first met her in. In over 30 years have fashions not changed? Picture your mom going out to meet your dad wearing clothes from over 30 years ago, and it’s not for a costume party. Ridiculous!

​HOW IT SHOULD OF GONE.

Here’s how the movie should have gone. First, Green Goblin tells Arthur directly that the canister does contain the last will and testament of the dead king and the location of the trident. Aquaman and Mera then go find Nicolas Cage and now Aquaman actually becomes National Treasure 3! Cut out Black Manta and give all the extra screen time to Mr. Benjamin Franklin Gates as he travels around the planet with Arthur and Mera, solving ancient puzzles and journeying to the center of the earth! Upon finding the trident, Arthur doesn’t put on the dead king’s clothes and he doesn’t let the Kraken murder all his future subjects. The fighting stops because they all see the trident. Ocean Master(OM) out of jealousy attacks Arthur. We still get the cool final showdown.There mother shows up still all in tatters from having just gotten rescued and quells OM’s hate and anger. Aquaman wins and negotiates a repayment plan with the surface leaders for the terrorism that decimated the world's economy by destroying all the ships and oil rigs that were in the ocean earlier in the movie. The queen goes to meet Arthur's father wearing a new hip age appropriate style. END

Author

Cole Elliot