Scott Reads Terrible Erotica: "Breaking Dawn, Part 1"

Happy New Year, everyone! For those of you not in the know, I’ve been writing about Twilight movie marathon that my girlfriend and I had just before Christmas. You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Today marks the start of the epic conclusion, the day that we tackle Breaking Dawn Part 1 in all of its sparkly glory.
As with every popular fantasy literary adaptation in the last seven years, the epic Twilight saga’s final book was split into two movies. After Harry Potter, movie executives looked upon the giant mound of gold coins that was Deathly Hallows Part 2 and went, “Wait…we can do that?!” That being said, unlike most movie series that have finished with a two-parter, I can tell you confidently that Breaking Dawn does not have enough going on to justify two movies. Here we go.

The Twilight Saga, Part Four: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011)

“It took like 6 years on film for Bella to get laid. You bet your ass I’m going to drink when it happens.”It’s Bella’s wedding day! Hooray! Bella’s been dreaming of this day for about six months now, which is “like forever” in teenage love time, so she’s kind of in a hurry to get the whole spectacle out of the way. Despite being worth more money than God, the Cullens have decided to hold the wedding in the woods, which I guess makes sense when you’re worried about being kind of shiny before seven PM.

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The ceremony begins and it takes me about two seconds to tune out of the wedding, not just because it’s boring (I promise, oh God, it is) but because of this:

Can you spot the person who’s inappropriately dressed for a wedding? Holy shit! Save some cleavage for the bride, lady, damn. Where do you even buy a dress like that? Apparently I get super bitchy and catty about wedding attire when I’m drunk.

They kiss and it’s great. Moving on.
At the reception, Edward’s goofy fake-brother Emmett says he hopes that Bella got enough sleep because she won’t be sleeping anymore. You see, it’s funny to him because in the Twilight universe vampires don’t sleep. The joke is less hilarious to Bella’s father Discount Burt Reynolds, who immediately starts slugging back champagne like he’s afraid someone will take the bottle away. That right there is the face of a proud father.

Jacob shows up to make one last-ditch attempt to win Bella over, which seems like a stupid idea because he’s at her wedding, but hey, you have to admire his tenacity. Not only does Bella say that the deed is done, she tells Jacob that the deed is actually going to get done on their honeymoon if ya know what I’m sayin’. This upsets Jacob, both because he’s hearing about his ex-girlfriend’s sex life (real tasteful there, Bells) and because he’s afraid Edward is going to kill her. Apparently, given Edward’s freakish vampire strength, Bella is walking into a bit of a “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” situation. Bella chills him out and Jacob leaves in a huff.
As all vampires do, Edward takes Bella to his secret Brazilian island for their honeymoon. Brazil of course is the perfect place for them to spend their time because when does the sun ever shine on the Equator?
And now, it’s time.
Edward steps outside to prepare himself while Bella goes to the bathroom to freshen up. They draw this out for like another ten minutes but finally, finally, 42 minutes in, Bella gets laid. And boy, does he give it to her.
The sex is actually pretty mundane by all accounts, with one major exception. Somehow while having some relatively loving missionary-style sex Edward manages to completely obliterate a four poster bed. Now, as with any red-blooded American, my first time came with its fair share of complications, but I will be the first to tell you that all of the furniture survived. I don’t care if you’re a vampire, if you thrust hard enough that a canopy bed collapses in on itself your girlfriend should be in two halves. Sorry, wife. Bella, special little snowflake that she is, survives with some minor bruising though.
This minor bruising throws Edward into a horrible spiral of shame and guilt despite the fact that Bella was apparently kind of into it. Edward swears that they shall not consummate their marriage again until after Bella has been turned into a vampire, which won’t be ‘til after the honeymoon. Which, first of all, dick move, Ed. You take your wife to a tropical island, one of the most romantic destinations on planet Earth, you have sex once, and then after that you make a beeline for the nearest fainting couch? C’mon. The girl has waited your entire relationship for sweet vampire powers and a little action and now you won’t give her either one. To make matters worse, Bella’s pregnant.
So, here’s the thing. I’m pretty sure that the reason that vampires need to drink blood is because the fluids in their own bodies aren’t really viable anymore. Human sperm survive for like three days, tops, in hostile environments. How did this happen? How did a corpse impregnate a teenager? It doesn’t make any biological sense. The man is over a hundred years old! What, are his sperm immortal too? Is there a fifty year old sock somewhere that’s slowly trying to crawl out from under a bed? Gross.
Bella’s child is half mortal and half immortal, which is stupid because being half immortal isn’t a thing. You can’t go halfway on “not dying.” Also, the baby is growing crazy fast. Two weeks into pregnancy Bella’s basically ready to pop, and although Edward initially wants to try to abort his freakish hellspawn he eventually reads its thoughts (Remember? He can do that.) and decides that the baby is chill.
When it’s time to deliver the baby, it kicks Bella so hard that it severs her spine, which, I’m sorry, is a little hilarious. A grown woman gets KOed in one shot by a baby. That’s a little funny. Edward, who can’t appreciate good slapstick, sees what happened and flips out, deciding that the only solution is to give Bella a C-section. Fortunately, his father is a four hundred year old doctor who’s delivered tons of babies in his time. Unfortunately, Edward is dumb, because instead he bites open Bella’s stomach. Yes, that’s right, he gives Bella a C-section using his own face. In any other context that would be the most metal thing I’ve ever typed.
Around now a werewolf falls in love with a baby. If I may quote Devin Faraci for a moment, “A werewolf falling in love with a baby. This is why Thomas Edison invented this shit in the first place. So we could see a werewolf fall in love with a baby.” You see, Jacob mentions earlier in the series that werewolves do this thing called imprinting, which is to say that when the right girl walks into their life they take one look at her and they’re just like, “You.”
It sounds a little rapey when you think about it. Like, what if the girl doesn’t want to be imprinted on by a wolf? Does she just have to deal with a superhuman stalker for the rest of her life? Furthermore, if Jacob knew he was eventually going to imprint on a girl then why did he bother chasing Bella in the first place? When he finally meets little baby Renesmee (Jesus Christ) it takes him like three seconds to be smitten with her. Clearly it didn’t happen with Bella, so why even bother? He’s going to imprint on someone else eventually. That’s kind of unfair to the girl you were courting, Jake. The whole process is very confusing, and yet somehow the least confusing part is when a werewolf falls in love with a baby.
Edward’s C-section also turned Bella into a vampire, so she wakes up and her spine is okay and she’s not dead. Roll credits.
Scott’s Final Thoughts: “I never thought I would have to use this sentence, but the vampire C-section was done much more tastefully than I thought it would be.” 4/10 Drunk Level: 8.5/10
Well folks, my plan was to write about both of the last two movies this week but it turns out I had too much to say about part 1. Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion of the Twilight Saga saga! Hope you all had a great holiday season and I’ll catch you later!