Oh no.
Oh no.
Dear readers, I haven’t quite told you the whole story of the movie marathon my girlfriend and I had back in December. See, it’s true that we agreed to sit down and watch all five Twilight films at once, but the initial plan was to drink our way through them so that by the end we would be reduced to sad, broken, pathetic shells of our former selves. We were going to film it, and it was going to go up on Low Five’s website as a YouTube series rather than these articles.
Of course, no erosion of the human spirit could possibly be complete without a viewing of Fifty Shades of Grey.
“It started off as Twilight fanfiction,” we reasoned, “And it’s supposed to be pretty bad. We’re kind of obligated to include it. It’ll be funny.”
Oh past Scott, you sweet summer child.
Before we get into this review proper, let’s make one thing abundantly clear: Fifty Shades of Grey is, by a fair margin, the worst film I have ever seen. It is an active assault on the senses. It offends me as a viewer,  it offends me as a man in love, and it offends me as someone who from time to time enjoys the odd spanking. It aggressively upsets me as a writer. I tutor fourth graders who have written more compelling fiction than E.L. James.
Alright, let’s do this.

(Be sure to read Part 1 here, Part 2 here, and Part 3 here.)
Well audience, we did it.
Well, I did it. I watched all five Twilight movies. None of you suffered as I have suffered. In fact, you’ve all been profiting from my suffering, so shame on you.
But regardless, we’re finally here at the thrilling conclusion of the Twilight Saga. Bella’s a vampire, she’s married, basically everyone mad at them is dead, Jacob loves a baby, what more is there to cover in this series?
No, seriously, what more is there to cover.

Happy New Year, everyone! For those of you not in the know, I’ve been writing about Twilight movie marathon that my girlfriend and I had just before Christmas. You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Today marks the start of the epic conclusion, the day that we tackle Breaking Dawn Part 1 in all of its sparkly glory.
As with every popular fantasy literary adaptation in the last seven years, the epic Twilight saga’s final book was split into two movies. After Harry Potter, movie executives looked upon the giant mound of gold coins that was Deathly Hallows Part 2 and went, “Wait…we can do that?!” That being said, unlike most movie series that have finished with a two-parter, I can tell you confidently that Breaking Dawn does not have enough going on to justify two movies. Here we go.