Scott Reads Terrible Erotica: "Breaking Dawn, Part 2"

(Be sure to read Part 1 here, Part 2 here, and Part 3 here.)
Well audience, we did it.
Well, I did it. I watched all five Twilight movies. None of you suffered as I have suffered. In fact, you’ve all been profiting from my suffering, so shame on you.
But regardless, we’re finally here at the thrilling conclusion of the Twilight Saga. Bella’s a vampire, she’s married, basically everyone mad at them is dead, Jacob loves a baby, what more is there to cover in this series?
No, seriously, what more is there to cover.

The Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012)

So, I’m going to level with you guys: At this point in the marathon it was 2:30 in the morning, and more importantly Kim and I had been drinking nonstop since 10. I don’t remember a ton about Breaking Dawn Part 2. Based on the drunken notes I took, I didn’t miss much.Bella awakens to discover that her spine is healed, her C-section is gone, her acne’s cleared up, her taxes are done, the house has been painted—basically everything about her life is great now because she’s a vampire. See, Stephenie Meyer was worried that giving vampires flaws might make them too relatable, so basically as soon as you get bit you turn into a shining golden god. Stephenie somehow breaks her own record here, because vampirism makes Bella even less interesting.

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Seriously, it’s uncanny. She’s goes from boring small-town girl to homogenous pale Superman. She’s so vapid that it’s literally her superpower—see, before nobody could read her mind, but now she can project that into some kind of shield of non-thought. But we’ll get to that.
So, Bella wakes up to learn that the Cullens are about to tell Bella’s dad that she died so that he doesn’t ask questions about why his daughter just got like 30% more attractive. Keeping up the guise that Bella has croaked means that all of the Cullens will need to move away from Washington. This upsets Jacob because—and I will never get tired of saying this--a werewolf has fallen in love with a baby. He doesn’t want little baby Renesmee to leave, so he tells Bella’s dad that she’s actually alive. Also, he turns into a wolf in front of him because I guess werewolves are okay with having their secrets exposed. The Cullens decide to stay.
Throughout all this Bella learns to hunt deer or whatever.
Little baby Renesmee is growing pretty fast, and when some vampire lady sees her at a distance she gets upset and goes and tattles to the Volturi. See, she has this misunderstanding that Renesmee is an “immortal child,” a kid that was turned into a vampire. Immortal children make a habit of murdering everything so it’s usually a no-no to bite kids. I briefly recall Claudia from Interview With the Vampire, who was upset that she was stuck in a twelve year old body forever because she would never get laid. But of course, in this universe, nobody has sex outside of marriage, so that can’t be the reason.
Anyway, the Volturi are pissed about the baby.

The Cullens respond by grabbing their vampire buddies to prepare for a huge fight. Around now, Bella learns about her stupid superpower: She can make other peoples’ brains go blank when she’s near them. I was understandably confused, because she’d been doing that to me for the whole series just by talking.To the surprise of nobody the Volturi turn out to be evil. They’ve been using their power and status to falsely accuse their opposition of crimes so that they can kill them and stay in power. Because of this, more vampires decide to join up with the Cullens’ army.
The Volturi show up and ask for the kid. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it until now, but they’re led by Michael Sheen, who has a thing where he can experience a person’s memories by touching them. He’s allowed to touch the baby—well, toddler, now—and realizes that she’s not an immortal child. He responds by tearing Ms. Tattle Tale’s head off, which is pretty metal if I’m honest. But because the Volturi are evil, they want to take the baby anyway.
Alice—remember, Alice? She’s Edward’s foster sister and she can see the future—lets Michael Sheen touch her so that he can tell that Renesmee isn’t a threat. But then she has a vision and realizes that no matter what future he sees he’s still going to be a giant dick about this whole thing.
And then shit kicks off.
Credit where credit is due, somebody on the Twilight production staff had the sense to hire a pretty good fight choreographer, because this plays out like a melodramatic fight scene from The Matrix.

Alice kicks Michael Sheen so hard that he sees the future without her help. Then Carlisle and Sheen jump at each other and Big Mike tears Papa Cullen’s head off in mid-air like it’s no big deal. It’s awesome. The Cullens and some werewolves then spend like fifteen minutes tearing the Volturi to pieces bit by bit. Jasper dies, Emmett chokeslams a guy, some dude punches a freakin’ canyon into the earth, and Alice feeds Dakota Fanning to a giant wolf. Seriously, it’s awesome. I’ve been shitting on this series for five weeks now, so when I tell you that the last scene is awesome, I’m being totally serious.

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Except none of that actually happens. You see it happen, but it turns out that all of that was what Alice showed Michael Sheen when he touched her. Oh Stephenie Meyer, you magnificent bastard, even when something cool happens in your story it can’t actually be cool. Instead, Alice brings forth a strangely dressed native man who turns out to be like Renesmee, with a vampire father and a boring mother. He seems like a cool guy, which is evidence enough that Renesmee will grow up to be cool too. The Volturi leave in a huff.
Bella’s finally able to turn off her stupid brain shield and, surprise surprise, she’s loved Edward all along. They make out. Roll credits.
Scott’s Final Thoughts: “<A series of angry noises about that fight scene not being real.>” 4.5/10 Drunk Level: 9.5/10
And there you have it folks! Finally my foray into the Twilight Saga is over. And you know what? Thank God there’s nothing else. Thank God that I can comfortably say that I’ve watched every piece of Twilight media. We’re done. Forever.

Wait, no…now that I think about it…there might be one more movie…